The 30% rule and why good enough parenting really IS enough

How many of you reading this feel like you are just not getting this whole parenting thing right? Like no matter how hard you try, you feel like you should or must do better?

Now, what if I told you that you only need to be a good enough parent 30% of the time for your child/children to thrive? And that parenting perfection is not just impossible, but unnecessary and not even always helpful?

I’m not making this up, I promise. In the mid 20^th Century, Donald Winicott developed his theory that parents “do not need to be perfect” and that “slight, manageable failures to meet a child's every need actually help the child build resilience and learn to soothe themselves”. And then, in the 1980’s, after various experiments, Edward Tronick provided data showing that parents were only accurately "in sync" or attuned with their infant's emotional needs about 30% of the time.

Good news, right?

Now of course this doesn’t mean that we should all be neglecting our kids for 70% of the time, but what it does mean is that if (when) we lose our patience / don’t get it right / shout / tell the innocent sibling off by mistake, all is not lost.

The key is in what we do when we get it wrong.

Firstly, we have to be humble enough to notice it. Then, it is about accepting that we didn’t get it right (often the hardest bit) and that we must repair it. When we as parents come back after a difficult moment, either to apologise or to explain what happened, young people learn that relationships are safe enough to survive mistakes. Over time, this not only builds resilience, but they also learn that they don’t have to panic when things feel uncomfortable, that conflict doesn’t mean rejection and that they have the power to repair their own relationships as they grow.

What I love about the 30% rule is that it recognises that parenting happens when you’re tired, moody, rushing, juggling work, worrying about your own parents, managing siblings, or just having a bad day. It covers the moments when you misread your child’s mood, respond too quickly, or react from what is really your own stress rather than theirs. But these moments don’t cancel out the good ones and they don’t mean disaster.

Our kids don’t need us to be permanently calm or endlessly available. What they do need is to experience that relationships can wobble and then feel steady again. That feelings can get big and then settle. That adults can get things wrong and still be trusted.

So, if you’re reading this and quietly (or loudly) worrying about the moments you’ve got it wrong, try to remember that your child does not need you to be perfect. They need you to be human and to make it better.

 Thirty percent really is enough.